Everybody Has ADHD

I have a cousin who in the 1970s was diagnosed as simply “hyper” and boy howdy was he! He was most like the Tasmanian Devil of cartoon fame. It was completely outside his control and my father who was a doctor, as was my cousin’s father, told me that he takes speed as medication. I found that incredibly odd and he said that speed works differently in my cousin’s body and actually calms him down.

I would have thought my childhood was normal, although I got into drugs and alcohol at a very young age, marijuana particularly. When I smoked it, I could do anything, or better yet, could keep doing everything. Running, reading, playing my guitar, studying and so on were all more enjoyable and kept my focus and so kept my effort going. But I got in some trouble with the alcohol side of things. I got arrested with a friend at 16 drunk and going to a midnight movie. We were walking and had beer and weed. My weed was in a vial that I took from my dad’s bureau, which he noted when he picked me up at the police station. Did not go well.

I wrapped my parent’s car around a telephone pole drunk in 11^th grade, chipping a friend’s tooth, but thankfully, did not go beyond that. We ran from the car to my friend’s house and I believe I mostly just cried. I was chased out of a high school dance for being too drunk and eventually made my way home in the snow somehow with one shoe and no coat. This sort of behavior happened throughout my high school days, but I didn’t think much of it overall. I kind of thought that everyone was doing that stuff, I mean, it was the 70s.

I graduate, the behavior mostly continues, and over time, I start to develop serious anxiety. I didn’t even know what it was, but it was actually debilitating. Eventually I found my way to a psychologist who explained that all to me. I was put on an anti-depressant but hated how it made me feel and quit. I was also given some anxiety meds to use when it hits me badly, and that worked like a charm.

So I spent the next 25 years self-medicating with alcohol and became a full-blown alcoholic. Because it worked. I could have a bad day at work then at 5ppour a few drinks down the gullet and voila! Whatever happened that day was chased from my mind and I was in bliss.

However, the depression and anxiety continued, and I was struggling very badly. Eventually, my doctor put me on another depression medication and this one worked. I felt happier for a while, but soon it was clear that I wasn’t any better. I was still struggling with my issues of focus at work, failing to get things done, panic about the future and on and on. The anti-anxiety meds continued to work very well, but things got worse and I wasn’t sleeping well (although I never have) and due to the alcohol was waking up at 3a in a panic.

I went back to my doctor, and she said that maybe I was bi-polar, but that she could not diagnose this and so I needed to see a psychiatrist. I was desperate to find an answer and to get on equal footing with everyone else whose minds seemed to be working just fine. I spoke with the psychiatrist for about a half hour and he said, “You are not bipolar. You have ADHD.” I wasn’t ready for that. I was still of the mindset that this was what was once called “hyper” and that I definitely didn’t have whatever it was my cousin had. The doctor also said that he could not diagnose it with an interview and that I had to go through some testing. So that I did. Two days of tests on memory, intelligence and so on. He also said that I should pick up this book about ADHD in adults, which I did on the way home. I read the first 20 pages or so and it felt like the book was written for me.

The testing was conducted by a psychologist who does this and only this. He was a bit spacey, looked like the stereotypical psychologist and didn’t have to do much but set me up in a room with the tests. After a week or so I went back to find out how it went. He came in and took out some papers, leafed through them and said, “It looks like you don’t have ADHD.” I was happy in that I did not have this ADHD thing, which I did not understand beyond the book which seemed to say that I was textbook ADHD, but sad that I also didn’t have an answer to what the hell was wrong with me. He turned to another page, then back to the front, then said, “Oh, wait, you definitely do have ADHD.”

My doctor put me on one of the popular ADHD meds and it worked immediately. I was able to focus much better, not like everyone else, but much better for me. And over time, we’ve adjusted the dose to where I’m doing very, very well.

But here’s the rub: it’s ADHD, which most people, myself included before this experience, thought was only for kids, wasn’t even a real diagnosis, everyone gets hyper or forgetful or… While my wife at the time, was very supportive, wanting me to be better, but sharing this diagnosis with other people tends to fall flat at best and even inspire some quiet derision. And I’m talking about people who love me. When I have brought it up as a reason for my behavior people tend to quickly gloss over it. Like, “Yeah, whatever, but why do you really behave that way?”

Over time I’ve read much more and watched countless videos about ADHD in adults, and it is almost comical how accurate they are in describing me. I wasn’t really a believer before my diagnosis but have grown absolutely certain over time that is what I have, but again, most people are unwilling to believe it, let alone talk about it, or offer any support. It’s like I’m suddenly walking around saying, “I’m a witch.”

I should note that there is a lot of support online, and of course, lots of folks who want to sell you something, but in reality, people simply don’t believe it. Even if they don’t say that, it is very clear in their actions.

It sucks, but to be honest, I don’t give a fuck what other people think or believe about me or ADHD. I’m just happy that I have this diagnosis and I am dealing with it. It’s been a godsend, but I’ve stopped bringing it up, which is sad, but simply my new reality. I would appreciate if people would take it seriously and so be a bit understanding, but the discussion around ADHD, kids and over-medicating has eclipsed the reality of the diagnosis. And when you’re an old guy coming in and saying that he has ADHD, it will mostly fall on deaf ears – at best.

Plus, now I’m taking speed to calm down – and it works! But I would never tell you. You’d say that I just want to get free speed, the one drug I never wanted.

Get Outlook for Mac

Epstein and the End of Many a Legacy

What puzzles me is that there are so many, mostly republican, people in our government who are willing to aggressively protect those who perpetrated the acts that were clearly perpetrated on children per the Epstein files, including rape, torture and possibly even murder and god help us, cannibalism. These people are committing their own act, the only act, that they will be remembered by and for. Henceforth, that is all they are or will ever be.

Are they just in too deep to turn around? Is there fear of those in power so strong are their desire to be among them? Is there some other reason they are doing this to themselves and their kids, grandkids… to their name? I just don’t get it. As long as they are remembered, they will be remembered for this.

However

Tucker Carlson has turned around. The dude’s actually saying that he was conned by Trump and recognizes his complicity in Trump’s success. Just like that. He’s saying it out loud. And this might be very, very important. If others in the MAGA cult see this and realize, shit, it’s no big deal to just admit you were wrong, we might be able to come closer together as the 90%. T

he other 10% have been eating our lunch for decades just because they were able to create so much division among us. Trans people? DEI? These are the things that are so important to our lives, that we attack one another in a great show of… what?

A great show of distraction. While the wealthy continued on with their incredible amassing of all the wealth and power this nation and planet had to offer, they and their media were pushing you and I to focus on the dangers of transvestites, which of course would pit those who do not like or understand transvestites (sex, gender and all of that is complex) and who probably have never met any transvestites, against people who thought very, very rarely of trans people, unless they were close to someone, but suddenly were fired up to scream about protecting the trans people and vilify anyone who might not like or understand trans people.

It was like a powder keg. An issue that has so very little to do with running our nation became one of a few that we focused on, because the politicians and the media focused on it. I would ask everyone, how has your life been truly affected by the existence of trans people? Or immigrants? Or simply people who are different from you?

It’s embarrassing how much we’ve been duped. And continue to be duped. But look at Tucker Carlson! He just admitted he was wrong and that what he was doing was part of the ruination of the nation. We all have a part in this, some more than others. So, 90 percenters, let’s get back together and focus on the real enemies – the rich and powerful. If we don’t, they win again and again and again.

Too much sherry, gramps?

I’m finding that I’m really enjoying just lying my head back. At my desk, in the car, my reading chair and everywhere else. Sometimes it feels like it has to go back, like it’s teetering on my spine and just ready to fall one way or the other, so I have to choose and I’m choosing back. Sometimes my eyes close.

My grandpa was the sort of man who would fall asleep at a party or in mid-conversation. And now when my head begins to list, I think of him, and of the fact that he was from a generation of people who would never take advantage of a sleeping person with a sharpie.

I’m a terrible sleeper. Up late and light sleep and need to eat cookies at two am and stuff like that. Maybe my grandpa was too, and that’s why he nodded off frequently wherever. I did not know him for long and so don’t know if this was something he did throughout his life. Or was he like me and so now I’m descending into this newfound narcolepsy, and the joy of allowing my head to lie back is just the start of my slippery slide into the ultimate social faux pas. “You fell asleep. Oh, were you bored with us? The conversation didn’t tickle your fancy, so you decided to, rather than fake interest, just go to fuckin’ sleep?”

So if you see me in public and I’m sleeping know that it was a powerful genetic influence that led to that sleeping man, and not too much whiskey or actual narcolepsy.

The continuum of colors of the human race

100 each of black men, white men, Asian men, Hispanic men and Native men, beautiful badass looking men, should go to the White House and stand apart in their respective groups silently and peacefully for one day. Halfway through the day, after the press and everyone with a phone has shot lots of photos, the whitest white guy and the blackest black guy walk to opposite ends of a city block and then the rest fill in as best they can.

It would be a great reminder to them of what America actually looks like and that it won’t roll over for the ugly monochromatic men demanding it.

This is America.

Power to all the people.

Bad Business

“Based on the latest figures from Experian, the average new-car loan interest rate for a buyer with excellent credit was 5.18% for the first quarter of this year. But that average jumps to 15.81% for borrowers with a poor credit history.”

It’s a sad feature of our financial system that those with the least ability to afford something are often forced the pay the most for that very thing. The further up the food chain the less they often pay for food, chains, cars, whatever. They would argue that those with bad credit, with less ability to pay, are more likely to default, which I would assume is true. But let’s say you have an insanely large percentage of defaults – like, 30%, well, then 70% of those same people stuck it out, despite it all, giving you more money than you deserve, maybe?

Of course, they are not in business to be nice, but to make as much money as they possibly can and unfortunately, that is mostly made off those with less money and little power. Rich people have more power, more choices, more everything, and they cannot possibly purchase – even with their fancy yachts and mansions – enough to rival the giant middle to lower classes. So, they developed a system that makes the most money off the giant middle to lower classes.

That’s also why they charge $30 late fees; can you imagine what it actually cost that lender to get a late payment? It’s almost too small to imagine. Now imagine selling something that happens automatically with no human intervention for $30 – constantly – over and over and over, day after day, seven days a week. The late fees department must have one impressive profitability.

But of course, that is not the only way to run your business. You can make money and be good, too. There are lots of good businesses out there making good money by being good, caring about their customers, never overcharging, yet being paid well for what they do. But none of the giant companies – the huge multinational banks and the like – are good. You have to wonder if a business gets to a certain size does it automatically get kind of sick in the head? Does huge always ultimately lead to heartless? And short-sighted modern-day investors don’t help either.

What would that look like? A VISA or Chase Manhattan or USBank that ran a much tighter ship, like their grandpa would have? Make good money, but god dammit, be good! Could that exist in the jungle of the financial sector? When I was young, credit card rates were often 5.99%, 7.99%; I remember when I saw 9.99% for the first time and thought it was the apocalypse. And it does beg the question, why have the average credit card rates gone up across the board so much? To what do they attribute that? Have we all gotten so bad that we must be charged more? And even during COVID when they were borrowing at zero percent, their rates never came down. It should be noted that they borrow at like one or two percent now. And now the only people who could get a rate like those these days are, again, those who don’t need it.

That’s the system. And most people are perfectly fine with it. The wealthy are, of course, and those with less are too busy getting by to think much about it.

But I Play One on TV

I’m not a vegetarian but I mostly act like one. I just don’t eat much meat at all. I replace it with more veggies, beans, tofu, mock duck and those new fake meats you can buy at the store. Why? Because I feel much better physically. I’m leaner and lighter, yet stronger and more confident. That’s a good enough reason for me.

But there’s an op-ed in the Minnesota Star Tribune today by a guy named Ron Way. He’s a former assistant director of the Minnesota Pollution Control Agency. He’s reviewing a book by Sonja Trom Ayres who grew up on a family farm in Dodge County in southern Minnesota. The book is titled: “Dodge County Incorporated: Big Ag and the Undoing of Rural America”

Way, and more thoroughly in Trom Ayres’ book, which I have not read, spell out the effects of corporate farming on the animals and on the communities that were once filled with family farms. Instead, as Way writes, our “farmland has been transformed, mostly out of sight and little noticed, with look-alike, elongated buildings where tens of millions of hogs, cattle and poultry live short lives in crowded crud, guzzling feed for fattening in prep for a one-way trip to slaughter.”

I’ve noticed all those buildings and just sort of assumed they were chickens and turkeys. I did not realize that hogs and cattle were locked up there as well, and that is probably why I see so fewer cows out in pastures than I used to. If you’ve been around hogs and cows, you know that they are not, well, chickens. They’re intelligent, emotional, and have rich inner lives. It’s possible chickens are similar and you can tell me if that is so, I do know that they live the short, brutish lives of all of these animals, but I’m guessing they’re not dolphin, octopus or my dog smart.

They are not referred to as farms either, but “feedlots”, which sounds about as depressing as it could. Way goes on, “more than 23,000 feedlots now dot the Minnesota’s farm country,” and adds, “annually producing 49 million tons of manure – a waste-equivalent 17 times the state’s entire population.”

That’s a whole lot of shit to get rid of and they talk about how that works and doesn’t work, the immigrants who work the feedlots, the dying small towns, and much more. It’s one big-ass shit sandwich.

So, there’s another reason I act like a vegetarian. I can’t get behind that sick system. They torture the animals, destroy the towns and livelihoods of the people who live there, remove the money from the communities and up to corporate “big ag”. It’s just so horribly wrong in so many ways. Anyone for a mock duck salad?

I’ve never seen an asshole

I’ve never seen an asshole die of cancer. Everyone I know has been among the kindest people I knew. I wonder what this is like to experience – the death of someone who has been cruel and angry and awful, and succumbing to cancer. Do they change? I wanna hear about a morning-after Scrooge epiphany. A great transformation of spirit! Or do they mostly just go out in a blaze of hate and unhappiness? Just one more way the universe conspired against them.

Mary, mother of truth

Mary M. Coady nailed it in her letter to the Minnesota Star Tribune today:

We seem to make up words to not use the word lie. Just to be clear, fake news is a lie. Misinformation is a lie. Alternative facts are a lie. Revisionism is a lie. We teach our children to tell the truth and anything else is a lie. Or remember the word fib? I wish the media wouldn’t shy away from saying something is a lie. When someone says that Ukraine started the war, the media should emphatically state that is a lie and that Russia started the war in 2022!

From your lips to God’s ears, Ms. Coady. And so should we. She’s absolutely right. Call it. Every time. Anytime you hear yet another lie from the republicans in any context, say it out loud, “That is a lie.” Like a religious mantra. “That is a lie.”

How about we just go ahead and start a religion: Truthism. But with one moral: Tell the truth.* One Psalm: Lying hurts. One holiday: Every day is truth day. One hymnal: Any song with “the truth will set you free” in it.

So someone says something, in front of you, or on the television, or in something you’re reading, and you know it to be untrue, say it out loud, “That is a lie.” And be ready with your sources and that is all you say, like a captured soldier who will give only name, rank and serial number, “I will email or text my sources.” Like Spock.

Let’s just stop putting up with it. It’s a lie. It’s a lie! It’s a god-damned lie! No. “That is a lie.” “That is a lie.” “That is a lie.”

Our sacred sound and invocation. Our own om.

Stop the money. Save the nation.

I do this every once in a while where I write something after some immersion in the bad news of the day. Note that the current bad news is worse than it’s ever been in my lifetime. But I start pontificating on the evil, greed, hate and blah, blah, blah. This time I’m quite a bit more freaked out but when I got done and reread it, I was struck by how silly it all is. Bestowing upon the world my opinions on whatever. Here’s what we need to do! Whatever. But it’s cathartic and so ultimately it’s worth it, right? And I kind of like this one. Here goes:

Everybody right now open an account on Bluesky. Good Americans can talk there.

Completely shut down all of your other social media accounts – X, Facebook, Instagram, YouTube, TikTok, etc. All of them. We’ll do this fast and we’ll do this right and you can get your accounts back. Grab your data, or start fresh. Do it now.

Do not buy anything from any of those companies – purchase nothing on Amazon, close those accounts also, do not buy a Tesla, if you have one, enjoy it and drive it into the ground. Do not use Elon Musk’s satellite connections, nor any of his other companies, and those of you who do the science as astronomers and engineers and the like working for him, you’re smart! Get the fuck out of there! Anybody working for any of those companies, walk now.

Disrupt the activity of everything related to those same businesses. This of course includes Trump companies. Whatever you can do. Good hackers, this especially means you. Blow our minds.

Yes, this will create hardship, but if we do this fast and we do this right, we’ll get through it easily and the old-fashioned way, taking care of one another, looking after our neighbors. We’re the good Americans, remember? We can take a little hardship. In fact, we can take a lot of hardship to save the nation – and ourselves, our families, our loved ones, our friends and coworkers and neighbors.

If we do this fast and we do this right, we can avoid violence of any kind. That being said, everyone be prepared to the best of your abilities.

The only two things they understand are money and power, and they will stop at nothing to use their power to bring us to our knees and take all the money for themselves. They are doing it right now. Right in front of our eyes. We must immediately stop the flow of any money into their businesses.

Please pass this on to everyone you know.

Yesterday and Today

[Yesterday]

I’m sick. And I’m sad. And I think I’m losing my mind. Nothing’s falling into place like it tends to. In fact, things seem to be falling upward and out of my control. But I’m sick – sore throat, fever, sleepy as hell, so the falling upward is a good description to my feverish mind. It truly feels like life is being sucked up around me into some slo-mo tornado so I can reach up to try to, but grab nothing. It’s out of reach. It’s out of control. It’s nightmarish.

It’s the emotions
that swirl like air
whirling the debris
of life
of which
I’ve lost control.

***

[Today: So my therapist tells me to journal when I’m at a point like I was yesterday and I got this far in my writing when my phone rang and it was a good friend who just called to see how I was doing. I was able to articulate my frustrations and fears about life, love, work, money and the state of the nation. He talked me back from the ledge and we were soon laughing. He was just doing what friends do and didn’t have any idea how incredibly well-timed, important and helpful it was to me. Keep your friends close. And don’t be afraid to reach out to them before you get to this point – something I need to get much better at.]