I have a cousin who in the 1970s was diagnosed as simply “hyper” and boy howdy was he! He was most like the Tasmanian Devil of cartoon fame. It was completely outside his control and my father who was a doctor, as was my cousin’s father, told me that he takes speed as medication. I found that incredibly odd and he said that speed works differently in my cousin’s body and actually calms him down.
I would have thought my childhood was normal, although I got into drugs and alcohol at a very young age, marijuana particularly. When I smoked it, I could do anything, or better yet, could keep doing everything. Running, reading, playing my guitar, studying and so on were all more enjoyable and kept my focus and so kept my effort going. But I got in some trouble with the alcohol side of things. I got arrested with a friend at 16 drunk and going to a midnight movie. We were walking and had beer and weed. My weed was in a vial that I took from my dad’s bureau, which he noted when he picked me up at the police station. Did not go well.
I wrapped my parent’s car around a telephone pole drunk in 11th grade, chipping a friend’s tooth, but thankfully, did not go beyond that. We ran from the car to my friend’s house and I believe I mostly just cried. I was chased out of a high school dance for being too drunk and eventually made my way home in the snow somehow with one shoe and no coat. This sort of behavior happened throughout my high school days, but I didn’t think much of it overall. I kind of thought that everyone was doing that stuff, I mean, it was the 70s.
I graduate, the behavior mostly continues, and over time, I start to develop serious anxiety. I didn’t even know what it was, but it was actually debilitating. Eventually I found my way to a psychologist who explained that all to me. I was put on an anti-depressant but hated how it made me feel and quit. I was also given some anxiety meds to use when it hits me badly, and that worked like a charm.
So I spent the next 25 years self-medicating with alcohol and became a full-blown alcoholic. Because it worked. I could have a bad day at work then at 5ppour a few drinks down the gullet and voila! Whatever happened that day was chased from my mind and I was in bliss.
However, the depression and anxiety continued, and I was struggling very badly. Eventually, my doctor put me on another depression medication and this one worked. I felt happier for a while, but soon it was clear that I wasn’t any better. I was still struggling with my issues of focus at work, failing to get things done, panic about the future and on and on. The anti-anxiety meds continued to work very well, but things got worse and I wasn’t sleeping well (although I never have) and due to the alcohol was waking up at 3a in a panic.
I went back to my doctor, and she said that maybe I was bi-polar, but that she could not diagnose this and so I needed to see a psychiatrist. I was desperate to find an answer and to get on equal footing with everyone else whose minds seemed to be working just fine. I spoke with the psychiatrist for about a half hour and he said, “You are not bipolar. You have ADHD.” I wasn’t ready for that. I was still of the mindset that this was what was once called “hyper” and that I definitely didn’t have whatever it was my cousin had. The doctor also said that he could not diagnose it with an interview and that I had to go through some testing. So that I did. Two days of tests on memory, intelligence and so on. He also said that I should pick up this book about ADHD in adults, which I did on the way home. I read the first 20 pages or so and it felt like the book was written for me.
The testing was conducted by a psychologist who does this and only this. He was a bit spacey, looked like the stereotypical psychologist and didn’t have to do much but set me up in a room with the tests. After a week or so I went back to find out how it went. He came in and took out some papers, leafed through them and said, “It looks like you don’t have ADHD.” I was happy in that I did not have this ADHD thing, which I did not understand beyond the book which seemed to say that I was textbook ADHD, but sad that I also didn’t have an answer to what the hell was wrong with me. He turned to another page, then back to the front, then said, “Oh, wait, you definitely do have ADHD.”
My doctor put me on one of the popular ADHD meds and it worked immediately. I was able to focus much better, not like everyone else, but much better for me. And over time, we’ve adjusted the dose to where I’m doing very, very well.
But here’s the rub: it’s ADHD, which most people, myself included before this experience, thought was only for kids, wasn’t even a real diagnosis, everyone gets hyper or forgetful or… While my wife at the time, was very supportive, wanting me to be better, but sharing this diagnosis with other people tends to fall flat at best and even inspire some quiet derision. And I’m talking about people who love me. When I have brought it up as a reason for my behavior people tend to quickly gloss over it. Like, “Yeah, whatever, but why do you really behave that way?”
Over time I’ve read much more and watched countless videos about ADHD in adults, and it is almost comical how accurate they are in describing me. I wasn’t really a believer before my diagnosis but have grown absolutely certain over time that is what I have, but again, most people are unwilling to believe it, let alone talk about it, or offer any support. It’s like I’m suddenly walking around saying, “I’m a witch.”
I should note that there is a lot of support online, and of course, lots of folks who want to sell you something, but in reality, people simply don’t believe it. Even if they don’t say that, it is very clear in their actions.
It sucks, but to be honest, I don’t give a fuck what other people think or believe about me or ADHD. I’m just happy that I have this diagnosis and I am dealing with it. It’s been a godsend, but I’ve stopped bringing it up, which is sad, but simply my new reality. I would appreciate if people would take it seriously and so be a bit understanding, but the discussion around ADHD, kids and over-medicating has eclipsed the reality of the diagnosis. And when you’re an old guy coming in and saying that he has ADHD, it will mostly fall on deaf ears – at best.
Plus, now I’m taking speed to calm down – and it works! But I would never tell you. You’d say that I just want to get free speed, the one drug I never wanted.
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Luke Soiseth 