Okay, so what on earth is happening to this country? We fought hard and valiantly to rid ourselves of the British menace, sure we had help from the Frenchies, but they were tougher then, less, you know, ‘fey’, and we even had the Boston Tea Party, not to be confused with this chubby, cheap, self-righteous Tea Party that has spread across this country like some sick unstoppable cold sore! Masterminded, mind you, by Rupert Murdoch, a freaking Englishman! But really! Now we have those untrustworthy Brits, known for what? Crap food! That’s right! They’ve always been known for crap food! These two very well-known British “chefs” (rich, that bit) – Gordon Ramsay and Jamie Oliver (Jamie is a girl’s name, by the way) – telling us how to cook! What on God’s Great Green Earth is going on here?
I can tell you. They’re a Trojan horse! That’s what they are! Add in Simon Cowell and that dude who was a judge on America’s Got Talent – Whoa! What? Who’s got talent? “America’s” got Talent! And who’s judging it? – not one (the pudding-faced dude with his own talk show), but two (the Yoko Ono of Black Sabbath herself, the minder of the muddling, mumbling Iron Man, Sharon Osborne)! Oh, no, that ain’t right.
And beyond all of this, mind you, we have another: Marsha from Roary the Racing Car! Roary the Racing Car is an American Original! (Produced in the UK.) And populated with good Americans who love America and race-cars! And they live in America! You can tell because everyone else seems to be American – Big Chris certainly is (look at his gut and he loves Elvis!), so’s that Rabbit, and that farmer dude who lives nearby, and of course, Roary! Roary is definitely American! Roary? That’s a truly American name (like Steve or Marsha! No! Not Marsha! Jan! Or Cindy!) – but that boss might be Italian! Well, he acts Italian! He’s got a gold tooth! What’s more Italian than that!? So what’s this Marsha doing there? Huh? She’s no American and she’s no race car mechanic! No, sir, she’s something else entirely. She’s English! British! And in cahoots with Gordon, Jamie, pudding-face and Yoko Osborne, that’s what she is!
And together they are wreaking havoc on America! Judging us! Telling us how to cook! Telling us how to run our restaurants! Telling us how to get chocolate milk out of our schools and save our kids from growing up diabetic fatties! What if we want fat kids? Oh, no, my friend. We didn’t steal this country from the Native Americans to give it up to those Brits without a fight! We know the Brits! I know the Brits. I’ve studied them. I’ve seen both Benny Hill and Monty Python (lots!) and have a pretty damn good idea how they work! Not to be trusted!
We’ve got to stand up to this! This is crazy! Pretty soon, they will be stealing our shows and bringing them over there – shows like The X-Factor! And The Office! American originals! America for Americans! Just say “no” to Marsha! Marsha! Marsha!
Thank you.
Luke Soiseth 