On the relative merits of the various hosts of the Sprout Sunnyside Up Show

The hosts

Much has been written in high brow academic journals (as well as less seemly and “popular” publications) on the relative merits of Kelly, Sean, Dennisha and Liz, AKA the hosts of the Sunnyside Up Show on Sprout, a PBS station aimed solely at the eight and under set (and some of their parents). The set itself is a barn or some sort of shed outside of anywhere recognizable. There is, of course, Chica, the mostly mute, ever-present and obviously perched somewhere on the downside of the asberger’s spectrum sidekick, who admittedly matches Ed McMahon for useful interjections and intellectual banter. The hosts are a ragtag gang of podunk hillbillies intricately designed to appeal to the more conservative parents hearkening back to a simpler world they never knew but fully intend to eventually impose upon those with I.Q.’s in the three-digit range – also known to them as “the elite” and “the enemy.” Within their goofball banter – and even Chica’s grating chirps – are coded messages directed at, but mostly lost on, these conservative adults. The messages matter less than the empty, drooling grins the show and select hosts inspire, however.

Sweet Kelly

Kelly is the obvious leader. She’s the perfect specimen drawn up in any of a number of jokes about traveler’s hooking up with the shockingly hot farmer’s daughter. Everything about her exudes the sweetness, spunk and treachery needed to capture that essence.

They even went so far as to parade this wayward teen onto the screen knocked up like volleyball at a pig roast, adding to her vixen/victim, innocent prepubescence/sexual predator vibe that so thrills the men she was designed to appeal to. The overall effect preceded and quite possibly set in motion the otherwise inexplicable hormonal response to one Sarah Palin, the Great Wet Dream of

Kelly Knocked Up

any number of conservative males. It has been posited that Kelly isn’t actually human, but instead some sort of perfect mix of artificial intelligence and fleshy goodness, but I don’t agree. The Heritage Foundation, the conservative think tank, issued a press release recently to coincide with an award they gave Kelly for being a Great Patriot. “Kelly exudes everything conservative, God-fearing Americans love about this great nation of God-fearing Americans [sic].” She’s real all right and Ms. Palin owes her a debt of gratitude.

Denissha with Chica

Dennisha is the Trojan Horse of the shows producers. By including an African-American woman, any suppositions that something wasn’t right – or maybe way too right (and white) – about the show were quickly quelled. Dennisha is also beautiful and so captures the simplistic, redneck essence that she slid past the liberals only to be the true essence of double-speak, reading children’s birthday cards, while slipping in messages of prayer over medicine, small government, and more money for the richest Americans. What has remained unknown up to now is that Dennisha is actually the love child of former Bush Administration stalwart Condoleezza Rice and a one-night stand after a night of disco clubbing. Her father has never been identified, owing to the impossibly below board nature of the encounter, and the possibility that the father is famous. A few names have been put forth: David Bowie, Clarence Thomas and P.J. O’Rourke.

Sean’s presence on the show is less easily explained. Obviously gay and no-doubt a grade school dropout, Sean: PrisonerSean, well, isn’t acting. It was documented in an exceedingly well-researched  article in Rolling Stone in 2009 that Sean is kept more or less prisoner on the set where he is led from his room to the stage, where he’s been told and so believes to a Truman Show depth that this is “where life is.” Sean was born into a deeply religious and conservative southern family (his father was a Republican fundraiser in Alabama) and raised with the belt and the bible. His parents began to see the devil in Sean when he began to have his own ideas and opinions (and realizations – one of which was that he was a young gay man) and so quickly lobotomized him, which is to what he owes his special grin. That he is gay has never been admitted by his handlers or the producers of the show, as they are known to believe that if you admit that people are gay, you might “go gay” yourself, a common misperception in conservative circles, which is why there are so many tight-lipped, well-coiffed effeminate “dads” with sparkling shoes (and terrifically unfulfilled wives) in the pews of mega-churches across this great land of ours.

Liz as we know her now

Liz is the latest Sunnyside Up Show host to join the cast and so less good academic research has been conducted on her. She brings much of the same farmer’s daughter sensuality that Kelly has; the same doofus, happy demeanor of Sean and Dennisha’s uncanny ability to couch messages about Tea Party ideas and gun shop locations within children’s songs, but there’s also something else.

Liz: Not your usual host

Liz, I put forth, is acting as a double-agent, who used all of her god-given attributes to convince the producers to put her on the show (see photo, which shows Liz coming on to one of the producers prior to being asked to join the cast). Cryptographers have shown through a series of really undeniable coded strings that Liz is actually speaking a totally different language that although they’ve recognized, they’ve been up to now unable to crack.

The Sunnyside Up Show and the four hosts have been dissected ad nauseum. There have been papers and articles and books, videos, movies, reality shows and documentaries. None, I believe, have so captured the truth and essence of this American original, this political juggernaut, this morning madness than the preceding paragraphs. I’ve spent years on their trail. I love them and hate them.

Nina – goodnight show

Speaking of love, now it’s on to Nina and the Goodnight Show. Methinks she’s possibly a central American guerilla working to supplant democracy with communism, or she’s an angel from heaven, with a Star that just better back off!


  1. Wow, Lame. I started to laugh, then I just started to feel sorry for this Luke Soisetetehwhomever. Good luck when Reality finally drags you from your Mothers Basement, it’s hell out there.

    1. luke says:

      Hi, Jim “The Elite”,

      I’m glad you started to laugh as you got the idea that it is a joke. Not that there isn’t any evidence of a conspiracy but mostly just a joke. Thanks for your comment. Thank you also for getting the url lukesoisethsucks.com as that way it won’t get into the hands of anyone who would hide behind a pseudonym and do great damage to my fine name. I assume also that you’re residing in your mom’s basement as well as you mention it being hell out “there” rather than “here”. Good luck. I am moving out next week to beneath an overpass. I will no longer get tv and so will not be under the sway of the evil Sprout hosts and their mind-bending trickery.


  2. Katie Vick says:

    This is ridiculous! Do you really think that there are a bunch of conspirators on a little kids show?

    1. luke says:

      Absolutely. Probably communists, maybe marxists, definitely philatelists – their stamp is there!

      I appreciate you even reading it, Katie. Thank you.

  3. Emily says:

    You have got the weirdest imagination dude

    1. luke says:

      Thank you, Emily. Just stretching the head a bit.

  4. Corey says:

    I love this. I was looking up the bios of the individuals on this show. I watch it with my kids everyday. I happened upon this site and I had to look them up even more in depth to actually know it was a joke. Keep up the good work. You had me cracking up.

    1. luke says:

      Thanks, Corey. I’ve had a few people tell me I’m nuts or that they simply don’t believe it’s his great conspiracy. I used to watch it also every day but now my kids are a little older so I don’t get my daily chica dose. 🙂

  5. Drew says:

    What a horribly written piece of shit. I created something more intelligent in the toilet this morning.

    1. luke says:

      Thoughtful, reasonable, well-argued critique! Well done, Drew! Well done, indeed!

  6. aaron says:

    Luke, you have some issues man. I have to watch sprout every morning and night with my son and there are no crazy conservative agenda there. I don’t care what people look like or thier family history when thier job in life is to talk to a fake chicken and make kids smile. There are real issues and conspiracies in this world. Try talking about something useful other than kids shows.

    1. luke says:

      Wait a minute! You’re right! It’s not the conservatives. It’s Scientology – Beck and that little actor dude who’s totally famous and was recently left by his more-or-less purchased/coerced wife are behind it. (Not the wife, of course.) Oh, and Vinny Barbarino. He’s also thinking spaceships will come for the likes of them and whisk them off to another planet – like sci-fi afterlife. Totally. Thanks for setting me straight. I’ve got some serious revising to do!

  7. Katy says:

    for real? people think you’re serious? this is hilarious, man.

    1. luke says:

      you got the last word, katy! thanks for keeping your head on straight and knowing in your heart that it wasn’t some sort of conspiracy, at least, not like the Doodlebops!!!

  8. I watch the SunnySideUp show with my daughter and some of your “jokey” points make ya think. Haha. Overall I thought this was funny and I’ll be passing it along to my husband who’ll most definitely agree. It’s a joke people..get over it. Take care.

    1. luke says:

      My kids recently grew out of it, which totally bums me out. Okay, not totally, but you get used to those sorts of things and Sprout does such a good job of creating (or showing) these friendly, educational, kind shows that are really quite calming – Kipper the Dog, that sort of thing. Now they’re all about Tom & Jerry and it’s like a blood bath constantly! If I hadn’t grown up on those and came out relatively unscathed, I would think I should keep those from them. Although my son (5) did ask the other day, “Do cats’ butts and the street make fire?” so I’m thinking he’s not totally getting the fact that it’s a cartoon.

  9. marc says:

    Great read dude…love watching chica with my one year old and admittedly fantasizing about kelly…whatever those perverted conservatives are selling on that show IM BUYING…would love to see kelly in some daisy dukes and a halter, but in prayer of course…keep up the good work!

    1. Jeff says:

      Rotflmao yup

  10. Chuck Hurst says:

    I think my toes are gay. They’re always touching each other. Do I need medical assistance? Should I just kill myself and be done with it?

    I secretly fantasize about Sean. He’s so gorgeous. I’ve rub out several while sitting in my easy chair in the morning. That’s one body I’d like to rub against!

    If I weren’t gay, I’d like to see Kelly and Michelle go down on each other. I think that would be so hot.


    Chuck Hurst
    Pasadena Md

  11. Mike Santiago says:

    I’m wondering why pick on sprout, Now Sesame Street has got to be way worse with all the fairy’s, grouches, and what’s with Cookie Monster save some for the rest of us.

  12. Shaggy Hitler says:

    I like to puff the magic dragon and watch my favorite cartoons on the Sunny side up show!!!

  13. Jay from Philly says:

    Kelly is insanely hot. She’s just about perfect. But the problem is you don’t know about her until you are married with kids and you turn on Sprout to keep your infant entertained.

  14. January says:

    This is brilliant.

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