YHTFiS

You have to find it somewhere. 

What if we chased the evil idiots out of The Real US of A™ and agreed as a nation to go back to pre-trump budgets (and rules and morals and exceptionalism) with the addition of YGTFiS (you can read each letter like LGBTQ or maybe break it into YGT FiS and “Yat Fis” – the G is silent.) We freeze the overall budget forever (tied to inflation), but allow the departments to move budget money from department to department, not wholly but a bit here and a bit there. In emergencies, whatever. And so if a department has a shortfall (or the public wants more money shifted from here to there) they can ask for that and the asked departments say yay or nay. And the departments who give up funds are rewarded somehow – maybe some advantage at the 4-year reset by congress, who cannot make changes that exceed 20%. What exactly does that mean? I have no idea and know exactly: “But how would it work?” and “Well, twenty percent.” 

But back to YHTFiS, or Yacht Fish or “aight” Fis. Yeah. That’s perfect! Easy to say and will appeal to Gen z, some of whose pop heroes elided alright to aight and popularized it through music, television, marketing… Now, that I think about it, this was way before Gen Z. This is pure millennial and they’re old enough now to be bitter and jaded, god bless em. Okay, so we’ll have to focus our campaign on millennials (bitter and jaded), Gen X (over it), Boomers (going boom as we speak), and whoever’s hanging on from the generation that preceded the boomers (what are you still doing alive?). 

Look. The whole point of this was to go back to the budget levels of the Biden administration and begin with a rule that states that as a nation we can never raise the budget beyond this level. We can lower it, but it cannot exceed it. So, the point of the YHT FiS was that the whole of government will be a part of the allocations of funds because, well, YHTFiS. Departments would elect one allocator generale (pronounced with a soft G) (Oh, and a “lay” for the e on the end). Allocator Generales. That’s it. 

So the allocator generales are elected within the department – one person for every hundred workers in that department (not to exceed five [5]) – and they meet every year to tell of their accomplishments and ask for what they need most. In a big hall. I think we could add in purple robes – a nod to Prince, mostly, but it will give the allocator generales a bit more gravitas, and every single allocator generale has to be present in the huge, maybe gothic, hall without mobile phones or computers or any other distractions – just paper and No. 2 pencils because that’s what we used – and no getting up to sharpen your pencil! Bring plenty. You can sharpen them during one of the breaks that come on the hour. We could make them pee into mountain dew bottles. No. I hate plastic. 

So the few hundred United States Federal Allocator Generales would – after every department has given their presentations (PowerPoints will be accepted but we’d encourage them explore other options, shit, use AI, we don’t care), they’ll go back to their sleeping quarters (probably a Sheraton) and disrobe. (They have to wear the robes whenever in public during the three-day Federal Allocator Generales Expo or FAG-E. Maybe they could have trucker hats with that on em – logoized. Oh, yeah, so disrobed in their sleeping quarters they can immerse themselves in the coffee-table-style book that is provided and that retells each department’s story with nude pictures. No! Not nude pictures! And it would, wait, let’s not call the departments, but kingdoms, or villages, like the Kingdom of Health and Human Services or the Village of Public Safety. And through the perusing they will come to peace with how they will vote the following day. We might as well make the three-day Federal Allocator Generale Expo a federal holiday so people can watch it on C-span, and also a bacchanalia, so people can be drunk, full and having sex in the streets. Three days. 

I hope you’ll join me in supporting YHTFiS and celebrating FAG-E – both the expo and public debauchery. And don’t forget, we’re also be selling purple robes with your favorite allocator generale’s name on the back, in the lobby, after the show.